Recently I’ve been struggling with just about every aspect of my life and honestly, it’s exhausting! I’ve been holding on to so many things I should have let go of a long time ago and I’ve finally realized it.
I must say it’s awfully terrifying when you make such a big decision. My major issue was rowing. I’ve been rowing for 6 years. Six years! Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely love the sport, but I just can’t handle the intensity of it in my life right now. It has done so much for me and I will never forget that, but I came to the realization that I was no longer doing it for the right reasons.
I was still because it has taken up so much of my life that I don’t know what else I would do with myself. If you’ve never rowed then let me put this into perspective. In our uni varsity program we trained upwards of 24-35 hours a week. That’s not far off of a full-time job, and we had to balance school and life on top of that. I noticed that I was going for a few different reasons:
- I didn’t know what else to do.
- I felt bad for my teammates if I wasn’t there.
- I felt that I would let others down. (Not just teammates, but family as well)
Now, I’m all about team work and everything associated with being a part of a team. But when these reasons were causing me to loath waking up every morning, not wanting to leave my bed, and was also making my depression worse, it is not a good thing. I was too concerned about others to notice that my mental state was falling through the cracks. I’m not kidding! It took a mental breakdown after arriving at the lake and then driving straight home and not going to practice to make me realize what this was doing to me.
So where does the whole ‘leap of faith’ thing come in? Well, that same day of the ‘incident’, I sent an email to my coach and dropped out. I know this sounds pretty drastic and a bit of a snap decision. But when I was struggling with whether or not I should continue rowing this entire season it didn’t seem like quite a crazy choice. You could say that morning was sort of the cherry on top of it all. It was the tipping point for me.
And as horrifying as that decision was for me, I feel like I can finally breathe for the first time in years. It was a jump I needed to take. I didn’t know where it would take me but I was okay with that. I am okay with the unknown because I know that I will find something. Probably more working… or maybe I could actually be able to keep up with this blog 😛
It was actually quite relaxing to sit back and see that there are still so many things I can still do AND be happy. Instead of literally fighting my way through every hour of every day. I guess what I’m trying to say is that sometimes you need to make that crazy, terrifying decision. You never know what can come out of it and it might surprise you how much better you’ll feel afterwards. You have to make sure that you are happy before you can worry about others. It’s a lot easier said than done, and I’m certainly not there yet.
But I’m on my way.